Swanson reveals his reason for quitting, November 12-2008
It was an angry, embittered Paul Swanson who sat down with intrepid reporter “Bobby Shmotz”* to discuss his reasons for leaving the Tuesday Night fold.
“For ten years I waited, bided my time. I brought them new players, played on that god damn losing Red Squad, suffered the negative references to my automobile** - all for my chance to Captain, but it never came.”
An obviously distraught Swanson (now driving a Caravan) was not to be consoled. I asked him what he thought of the new choices: Andrew Carter and Ned Velagic.
“Carter! Carter! That kid couldn't clean my Trans Am. And Velagic? You just wait till the hazing starts, then we'll see what kind of leader he is.”
Swanson, a veteran of the Tuesday Night League, will be best remember for his end to end rushes, two way play, sociopathic defensive work and un-predictable slapshot.
“Hey I had the credentials but obviously Mr. Chase didn't think I was good enough”
Swanson in Happier Times
When reached for comment, Chassé, who shared the Boom Boom Boy award with Swanson seven years ago was defensively indifferent.
“I appreciate Paul's opinion. He was, after all a veteran and a vital member of our association. However, based on my research, I determined that Velagic and Carter were the best choices to lead at this particular juncture.”
Juncture? Association? Has the Big Headed One finally succumbed to his thesaurus? Or has he just taken to talking like his mentor Gary Bettman.
“Not quite. I employed a radical new app on my Blackberry when making this critical decision.”
Radical new App? Sounds like the Commissioner is suffering from digitalitis. Whatever happened to old time hockey? Using your intuition to pick the right man for the job.
“It's called Super Leader Express – I fed all the parameters into the database (even Mr. Swanson's) and it came out with this result. I feel sorry about the loss of Mr. Swanson, but I felt fair was fair. Computers are never wrong you know."
After learning of Chasse's decision Swanson staged a mini-mutiny, convincing former veterans Gord Manning, Gary Aucoin, Patty Corrigan and Sean Calarco to join him. The boys, can be found Saturday nights, playing ringette with the East Toronto Woman's League.
“It's not bad – the wigs and the bras get kind of itchy, but we're the leading scorers so we can't complain” says Swanson. "It's not as easy to hook with these sticks, but give me a little bit of time and I'll figure it out."
Sure you will Paul. Any regrets about leaving?
“Yeah, I just wished I had punched Chase's lights out when I had the chance. Now I'm just going to have to wait for him in the parking lot.”
When reached for comment, Chasse replied.
“Violence does not solve anything. But if it helps to solve things, please bring it on Mr. Swanson."
We'll be watching this one closely.
Till next Time.
Bobby
Mr Shmotz (Formerly Schmautz) spent 2 years in a federal pen on charges of impersonating NHL legend Bobby Schmautz. His sentence was reduced after promising to change the spelling in his name and to stop showing up at speaking banquets
** The 1982 Trans Am has been officially impounded by the authorities and apparently will not be seen in the GTA again. One can only hope it finds its proper home in Lasalle, or in the Dukes of Hazard museum
In the Archives:
Draft Night, September 24, 2008
Chasse picks new Captains, September 17-2008
