Carter to miss season opener, fowl play suspected - Oct 6, 2009
White Team captain Andy Carter will be missing tonight's season opener for unforseen reasons.
"I dones* got to hunts* the Turkey beast* for Thanksgiving" said Carter when reached for comment. (*sic, sic, sic, and sic)
Turkey Andy? But what about the big game.
"Hockey's okay, I reckon, but I gots to feed my family" said Carter when reached for comment.
"Isn't it dangerous hunting them in the dark?"
A puzzled Carter seemed challenged by the inquiry.
"Naah, I am going to wear a deeskyze, so they will not hear me a coming. I'll also be bearing a flashlight device to make it easier to see em."
The White captain's absence is a concern among his fellow teammates.
"We'll definitely miss him" said White alternate captain Chasse " I'm looking for Bugden to pick up his game and fill the gap."
"At least I won't have to go hunting with him" added Bugden.
Team White will be trying to do without Carter tonight, 10pm McCormick Ice Palace.
Kohn wants it removed ! October 5-09
Dear Mr. Editor:
I'd like this compromising photo of myself and Mr. Velagic (that's what he likes me to call him) off the TNH site... this image was taken during a recent hostage incident somewhere in Slovenia and it
stirs up nothing but bad memories...From the Editor
Dear Mr. Kohn,
Memories of Slovenia? Isn't that a new Loblaws product?
We have approached Mr. Velagic with your request and he asked us to give you the the following message...(see pic on right)
However, being that we still live in a democracy, we have replaced the original image with a more "sensitive to Mike's complaints" version. Please see below.
The Editor
Roster announced, October 4-09
With a little over 48 hours to go till the first game of the season, the TNHL governing body has announced the teams for the 2009-10 season.
"It was tough" said admin assistant and former commissioner James McGee,"but we think we have managed to find the right balance between the squads."
McGee, Chasse, Velagic and reigning champion Andrew "Welcome Back " Carter have been debating the teams throughout September.
"It was tough go" said McGee "but mediation is my middle name. I think we managed to come up with a viable solution, despite the attendance issues."
The TNHL has been plagued by absences and no-shows throughout the exhibition season. "The new rosters represent the best possible balance based on detailed analysis vis-a-vis acknowlegement of our unique scenario" garbled McGee in his best possible Bettman speak.
Captain Carter is overjoyed.
"Hey I gots (sic) the same guys I had last year. We're gonna' clean their clocks."
Play begins on Tuesday night. Those interested can find the new roster here.
Velagic names Kohn as interim captain, Oct 2-09
In a stunning move, Nedd Velagic has named Michael (aka Killer, aka Lost Boy) Kohn as interim captain of the Red Squad till he returns from the IR, sometime this century.
And the question Nedd, on everyone's mind is this: "Why?"
"Mike and I have a unique relationship. I talk, he listens."
Many thought the position would go to Velagic protege and Red Team defenseman Mark "Mountain Boy" Lewis. Velagic begs to differ.
"Mark's alright if you want scoring and superb defense, but I know the Kohner can handle my instruction and will deliver it with the right intonation in the dressing room."
Kohn, never shy with an opinion, is well known as an "expert analyst and motivator" much in the style of TSN pundit Pierre Maguire.
"I look forward to the Red squad finally giving me the respect I deserve" said Kohn. "Now they have to listen."
Or so he hopes. According to sources, Lewis is absolutely bitter about Velagic's oversight and plans a protest.
"We're ready for any protest that Mr. Lewis might launch" offered Kohn "for now this team is mine, all mine!"
Kohn will be exercising his new found power this Tuesday Night at the season opener. Be there.
Chasse scouts Leafs, September 29-09
It was a desperate Eddy Chassé, (aka "La Gros Tete") TNHL commissioner and avowed Leaf hater who attended the final game at the Air Canada Centre on Saturday night, desperate to find recruits for his Tuesday Night League.
"Just don't tell my friends in Montreal that you saw me."
But why were you in attendance Mr. Chase?
"I'm looking for a little veteran help if you know what I mean."
Chassé has been dealing with severe "veteran apathy" during the month of September and felt compelled to do something about it.
"I'm not looking for a lot of talent, just some guys that are willing to make the week to week commitment."
Though rumoured to have offered a one way contract to both Jason Alison and rookie Kadri, the commissioner was apparently turned down.
"Hey we didn't need that Kadri's speed and positive attitude anyway. But Alison, I think he might be ready."
Chasse's search for committed veterans continues. The final game of the exhibition season goes tonight at the McCormick Ice Palace.
Got a cheque book and a pair of skates? Can you name the starting lineup for the 1976 Habs? How about the 1991 Leafs? Then send your hockey resume here:
Victor Trudel Retirement Party, Dec 23-08.
After almost two years of feeding Lawrie Livesay, Victor Trudel has decided to cross the border to play shinny with Obama. The one time contender for "King of Tuesday Night Hockey" is departing the league to find his fortuenes in, waith for this Cincinnati!
Apparently we'll miss him.
You can find the "Tribute to Vicky" here.
Lee saved from Gangs, coming soon!
In a tell all Biography, Gord Lee will reveal how Tuesday Night Hockey saved him from gang life.
"I was one bad ass guy. Just steps from being an extra in a Jet Li film."
What do you miss the most?
"I really miss wearing the bandana, the ill fitting pants and the all you can eat salad bars, but other than that, I'm glad to be out"
In this exciting autobiography, Lee talks about his time jacking cars, bird dogging, and chasing chicks
"Those were pretty wild times, but I'm just so thankful to TNH for setting me on the straight and narrow"
Watch for it at your favourite bookstore this Christmas! Or next. Or the year after that...
Swanson talks, November 12-2008
In a tell all interview, former TNH All Star talks about his departure. Check it out here.
Ringer to the Rescue, November 11, 2008
After losing several close battles this fall, Mr. Velagic made his annual trip to the Hall to find a little veteran help. Terrible Ted said he'd be more than happy to help with the "French" problem this evening.
Hey Ed, get ready to meet Ted.
Carter gets Ashby, September 24-2008
Carter overjoyed to get Ashby - "Velagic would have killed him" commented the relieved Captain. "I mean he was a friend of the family, I didn't want to see little Timmy subjected to the same abuse I went through."
Addition draft details can be obtained at this clicking point.
Chasse chooses new captains, September 17-2008
He's made his decision, and it wasn't easy. Find out the ugly truth here.
Chassé announces first austerity move of his new regime
"McGee was wasting a lot of money on baubles and fineries. I sold that gargantuan trophy of his on e-bay and bought this more practical version..
Profits from the sale will go to the TNH retired players fund.
The Original TNH Trophy, now residing in Minsk
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